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Things you have to believe to be a
Republican today:
Being
a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative
radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
o The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
o Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack
down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
o “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.
o A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.
o Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.
o The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
o Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for
governor of California as a Republican.
o If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
o A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.
o HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
o Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care
to all Americans is socialism.
o Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
o Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy
made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when
Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
o A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.
o Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
o The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George
Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
o You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft
can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
o What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
o Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
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